机场

身在机场。我发现能够坐着这样观察不同的人，事，物的感觉我很喜欢。 :-)

Heart of a servant

For the past week, i realize that how dreadful i feel just on the thought of serving others, i engaged in dreadfness, felt tired, just simply on the thought of serving God serving my family, serving people around me. I complaint in my little mind that why am i the one to have to do this? Why do i have to bear these burdens? Little did i know at that time that my heart attitude was skewed.
It's almost like in a sudden instant, that i realize that i lost the joy of serving.
I wondered why.. And finally i learnt that it is out of my selfish heart that i dont want to serve. I feel lazy, i feel tired, i engage in self-pitiness, i feel uncomfortable, and allow myself to drown in the blackhole of emotions. All these just to escape ththe hardwork, the uncomfortable feeling of serving others. 'I just want to serve myself' that's clearly what i am trying to say.
After being convicted of my own laziness and selfishness, i repented and asked God to remind me of my identity and of His character.
And sure enough, God graciously reminded me of who He is and who I am in Him. I forgot that He is a good good God, i forgot that He is a good good Father. I forgot that i was made out of love and i am dearly loved. I forgot that i am free from sin and i no longer have to be a slave to sin. Yet out of convenience, out of comfort, i chose to revert to my old ways. Just like the Israelites, after coming out from egypt, they forgot of God's greatness and how God heard them when they cry out to God for deliverence. Memories often put a magic spell on itself. Mayb its to protect us from further harm, mayb its just the way it is. But sometimes and many times, we often forget the pain that we once went through during those seasons of life. And hence we reminisce and wish that we can go back to the past, especially when we are going through even the slightest suffering at that time..
And so.. I realize how selfish i have been and how blessed i was.. How dwelling in self pitiness become my escape yet not realizing it is eating me alive..
I forgot about the hope i have, i forgot about the love i have got, i forgot how much better and liberated one can be by living in the light and not the dark. So, i hope and pray, that i will continue to live in the light and live courageously, remembering God's greatness of the past the present and holding hope for the future. I am with hope, i am loved and tremendously blessed. Be content and cherish what you have. :)

today is a happy happy day!

Home

Little did I know, Adelaide has become my second home.. I am home but i miss my other home.. I miss Adelaide :( 

Born Haters

English Standard Version
1John 3:15 Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.

Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer. 

So true. Since young, I have been involved in the pool of hatred that exists in life. In families, among friends, and even among strangers, such is the world that we are living. I was told that I am bad, I was of no good, and all I can think of is my weaknesses and there is nothing good in me. So, I started my life like this, as someone who was born to be hated. Someone who is pure bad and someone who can only try as hard as possible to make oneself likable in order not to drown in life. My survival mode was on. 

High school bullying was one signifcant moment where I was hurt deeply. I didnt know the term passive aggressive, nor did I know I was being bullied. Yet now, even when I know about it, I dislike being associated as a victim of it because like it or not, I have learnt to be the bully myself even without realizing. I was disliked by many, whether it is because of jealousy, or my character flaws, or even maybe the things I say, or do, to be honest, after a while, you just don't really know the reason. Yet at the same time, I disliked many, showed my "justice", treating another indifferently and it is just so clear in my face those whom I like and those whom I don't. Little did I realize when I did this, that I am no any different from the bully that I hated, from those murderers out there.

Passive aggression kills. It is a silent killer that kills excruciatingly. Bit by bit,it tortures the person as it made one feels small, feels unworthy, feels unloved. This is the worse punishment one could ever have. It hurts deeply. One can expect to be a living zombie if one is killed by this method. 

What made me realize this was a recent occurance.I am sick and tired of these "is she angry at me? what did I do wrong? She is driving me nuts!" game. Am also sick of asking "do they like me? are they deliberately ignoring me? why don't I belong?" and am sick of being hurt and to hurt others through this silent killer. I do want to stop the war. But what can free me from this seemingly endless cycle of pain and hurt? This is when I truly see what Jesus said:"Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer." Everyone. who HATES IS A MURDERER. How strong are those words. Hatred kills. Hatred attacks. Hatred hurts. Hatred makes one a murderer whether or not we are aware of it. And because of our sins, we are born haters. 

So back to the question. but What can free me from this seemingly endless cycle of pain and hurt? It sucks being the person to be hated, and it definitely feels justified to hate someone else, because the other person is always at fault, right? 
Jesus says in Matthew 5:44 "But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your father in heaven."
This is the answer to freedom. This is the answer to resilience. LOVE. 
More often than not, when I pray for those whom I dislike, which i find extremely difficult at first, I grow to love them. I grow to have compassion for them, I grow to want the good for them. Jesus says, to pray for our enemies, to love them. It seems like an almost impossible task, but that's the only way to be freed from this war. It puts our focus away from ourselves and unto the other person and that's when we start loving them. Love brings such unexplainable peace and joy and comfort and warmth which we all are seeking in our lives. And this can only happen if we have the holy spirit in us. 

It still hurts when I know that someone dislikes me and it is even more excruciating when I do not even know for sure but I know that I was treated indiffirently, yet I now have a hope nd the hope is in being the child of God, who is a loving Father. 

God Bless.
<3 br="">


 

Sleepless

On a night like this, I can't sleep.. Wondering what my future will be like.. 

This summer

This is my first summer in Adelaide. Am down with "mystery rashes" as according to the doctor and it is driving me crazy. Yet it is during these times that I realize my fragility and our dependancy on God. It is indeed, without God, we are nothing. It will be tough in Adelaide this year, but God knows what he is doing. :) Thank God that I have Him and He loves me. Even though the rashes are driving me crazy, I am thankful that He has given me peace over things and have really protected my thoughts. I pray that this will continue, and one step at a time, I will heal. :)

Love,
Qi.